No One Said All Vampires Had To Be Emo (WTF?)

Walmart is always a horrible ordeal for me. The place smells, the people suck, half of the products on sale are stupid, and the lines are ridiculous. There’s always one significant thing about the place that pisses me off. I’m randomly bitten with annoyance every time I slowly drag myself through Walmart’s never ending aisles. Last time it was the book section, which to my dismay, has been taken over by the wussy dark lord himself, Emo-Man. To be more specific, its been overrun with teen vamp novels, obviously seeking membership on the Twilight gravy train. These novels don’t even try to be unique, with dark, foreboding, prepubescent titles like The Eternal Kiss, Darkness Everlasting, and the ever so original Twilight Fall. I mean, that last one isn’t even trying to be something different. You know that some kid is going to get that instead of the real Twilight book, and s/he has her stupid, innocently oblivious grandma to thank.

I remember when Vampire books were cool. You know, like when they were about killing stuff, ripping stuff apart, eating hot girls necks and stuff, and well you know, Vampire stuff. Great books like Salem’s Lot, Bram Stokers Dracula, and Anne Rice’s crap (who should have put the breaks on for 15 years, otherwise she’d be rich beyond her wildest dreams) prove that a good, wholesome, bloody Vampire stories can be pulled off without gooing the plot up with… romance, PMS, and eye shadow. Unfortunately, it’s become painfully obvious that I’m starting to show my age by complaining about this. I’m sure whatever stupid sensational thing I undertook while under some teen-mob mentality pissed off whatever 26 year old that was caught in the crossfire. Therefore, I should try and keep a positive outlook on this situation. I believe, desperately, that there has to be one good thing to be taken from this “Pussy Vampirez in Luv” trend.

I’ve found the answer.

Buffy… eat your heart out.

Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?


I dare say, next time I head to Wally-World, I’m totally getting this book. It has to be good. I mean…. really? Vampire killing presidents? I think that is damn awesome, and I’m Canadian!

Buy the book on Amazon

Be sure to start the day off well by heading to these relative points of interest:

The Oatmeal – How Twilight Works – It’s funny because it’s true.

(Don’t worry, I’ll be back on the Japanese WTF warpath tomorrow. This was too good to pass up)


One Response to “No One Said All Vampires Had To Be Emo (WTF?)”

  1. You should check out the Rifftrax versions of Twilight and New Moon. It makes the movies a lot more fun than they have any right to be.

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