Instant Disappointment

Do you remember how awesome it was to instantly win free stuff? Nothing beat twisting the cap off a fresh Pepsi, and peeling the lid seal back to reveal, “You’ve won a free Pepsi Yo!”. I sure do, and let me tell you, it’s been a really long damn time since it has happened to me.

What pisses me off is the reason that this doesn’t happen anymore: Customer Cataloging. Every time Walmart asks for your Postal Code, it’s trying to catalog you in their system. Every time you sign up to a company mailing list, the company “requests” that they catalog you in their system. Companies love doing this crap, because it makes it easier to pump their products in your face. With the advent of internet technologies, bumfuck companies have created another advertising vehicle reliant on attaining our home information. Thinly veiled as a “prize”, we are now subjected to “instant win” scenarios that are everything else but. If you want to instantly win, you have to go on a website, enter a 34 digit code, then enter most of your home information. Good job dumbass, you just opened another glory hole for Mr. Corporation to stick his advertising cock through. Instead of instant win, you get instant junk mail! What is funny about this whole situation is that it takes 300% more effort on the customers end, and the company is the only one who benefits.

Now I know all of this can be ignored, and my wish for instant win could be attributed to the ways of days gone past. I could have settled, until I was approached in a mall by some bubbly chick wanting me to taste her yogurt (They had Male and Female “operatives” hunting for victims of the opposite sex). Intended sexual innuendo aside, I was hungry enough to try the free sample, so I followed her back to a giant DanActive stand.

To my dismay, there was some skinny asshole (We can call him Leroy for detail’s sake) behind the counter giving the samples out. Without provocation, I was bombarded by Leroy with “This crap is like soooo healthy, like you can totally maintain your figure by eating this every day!”. I already have short wire for stupid people, and this guy could easily rise to the top of that list. Three more minutes of him trying to explain how this wonder milk could erase my stomach fat, and I finally cut him off. I said, “Yeah, this is basically a Yop, but for health nuts and hippies!”, which incurred a really dumbfounded, and stupid expression on Leroy’s face. Pulling the carpet out from underneath him, he silently slipped me an instant win card and moved on to the next poor victim coerced to the stand.

Feeling lucky with averting a 1/2 hour rant from some dorky “fitness expert”, I went on with my day without thinking, or caring about my possible free years worth of shitty yogurt. Perhaps it was having the right variables together at the right time, or my increased level of boredom that usually sets in at 3pm, but I found myself actually entering the code in this afternoon. I was genuinely excited to find out the results, and for a split second I almost felt like I was lifting that fateful Pepsi lid seal again. It is amazing how quickly dreams can be crushed, and how fast it takes the human body to go from anticipation, to utter disappointment. I wasn’t greeted with “GOOD JOB, MOAR YOGURT 4 YOU!”, or “FREE SAMPLE! PRINT NOW”.

Instead, I got some big shitty window asking for my phone number, address, and if I am a stay home mom. Ever heard of a hooker asking for a johns phone number before giving up the goods? Of course not, because it isn’t appropriate, and it’s a very stupid question. So why is DanActive asking me for my address before telling me if I might have, maybe, perhaps, but not likely won some crappy yogurt? I’ll tell you why, because they want, no NEED to have somewhere to dump their stacks of advertising fliers. So not only has 5 minutes of my life been wasted listening to Leroy’s speech on “The fundamentals of magic yogurt”, but I’ve lost another 5 minutes entering in some stupid code. This is important because DanActive needs to know if I have a job or not. This in turn has pushed me further away from wanting to try, or buy DanActive. Instead, I think I’m going to go back and ask Leroy for 10 minutes of my life back. I can always get him to wash the heaps of dishes I have piled up by 4 pm, or better yet, he can shovel my damn snow!

……..He is pretty tough though. Perhaps I should be a little diplomatic when I tell him what I think of his time wasting yogurt card.


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